I guess this isn't specifically homeschool related, but I think the fact that we do homeschool intensifies the situation sometimes. My two middle children (girls, 15 & 13) are having major problems getting along with each other right now. It's been going on for weeks, but seems to be getting worse lately. I've tried everything I know to do, and nothing is working. I'm out of ideas. How do I help them work through this? We've always taught our children that they are each others' best friends, that other friends may come and go, but siblings are forever. We've tried to teach them to make their relationships with each other a priority, and really work at them. Most of the time (until recently) they have been friends and been able to work out their differences. But now that doesn't seem to be happening. I've tried talking to both of them, at length. They can both go on and on about what the problem is (what "she" did) but neither of them has any ideas about what to do about it (other than "if she would just ..." kinds of accusations). I'm at the end of my rope! Any ideas?
Lori

Are the individual girls going through some individual frustrations? Do they need to individually chat with you or dad about something going on in their lives?
Is there some project the two girls can work on together? Sometimes when they have a common goal, it brings them closer.
Don't know how much help this is. Anyone else have ideas?

Christine

I've tried talking to them separately to see what's at the bottom of all this. Both say they don't know, and basically just blame the other one for the whole thing. It isn't either one of them, it's both contributing to the problem. But they don't seem to see that. I think some of it is that my 13-yr-old feels like she has to somehow measure up to her older sister's example. I think she feels like other people are comparing them to each other (and they probably are) but instead of trying to compete, she just does her own thing -- to the extreme! I told them both the other day that I think some of these squabbles happen because they both seem to expect the other one to react to and deal with things the way they would, and they are SO different from each other, that rarely happens. So they end up getting frustrated with each other, and then it just escalates from there. Today I tried to get them to talk to each other about it and try to work things out, but neither of them was very receptive to that. When they're in the middle of a conflict they're too upset to talk, and when things are calm, they don't want to bring it up again.

I like the idea of a project they can do together, to work toward a common goal. I'm not sure what that would be, but I'll think about it.

Lori

Oh boy. 15 and 13 and both girls? Wow.

We are reading "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" aloud right now and it is helping us make some progress in family relationships.

Maybe a family project would be good too. Building teamwork helps us sometimes. When my 6yog wanted to be a cheerleader, we all wrote a "family cheer" and contributed one verse. When it's time to go somewhere I'll call for the "team" instead of individual names. We have regular "huddles" (30 second team meetings) to talk about problems we are having and how to solve them. We'll have the occasional longer team meeting, but that gets old pretty quick and can devolve into a nasty blame session if someone is upset. Keeping it short and sweet keeps the air cleared.

Mine pick and fight with each other if I am not spending enough time with them individually or trying to show love in a way that doesn't speak to them.

Mostly, I'm just thankful we don't ship our kids out every day to be taught the latest in peer spirit-killing every day!

Anji,
Yes, it's "interesting" sometimes. My girls are 15, 13 and 11, my son is 18. The 15 & 13 yr olds seem to have the most clashes. I was thinking about this the other day and I think part (maybe a lot) of the problem is that with the other "pairs" among my kids (18 & 15 or 13 & 11) the older one has the stronger personality. But with this pair, it's the 13-yr-old that has the stronger personality. She doesn't like to "follow" her older sister, but her older sister doesn't way her "little" sister telling her what to do, either. My son can lead and the girls are fine with that. My 13-yr-old can lead and my 11-yr-old is fine with that. But if the 15-yr-old tries to lead, the 13-yr-old will have none of it! So, instant clash. Even when she isn't trying to lead (not telling her what to do or whatever) the 13-yr-old thinks she is. Sometimes it's a mess!! And when hormones are raging, I just want to lock them in their rooms or go hide somewhere myself!

I'm still thinking thru this family project idea. Actually, we were all working together on Saturday, installing new laminate flooring in our family room. It got so bad between them that we ended up having to send the 15-yr-old off to her room for a while, then when she came back I made sure I was always between the two of them. If they even so much as stood next to each other, they'd fight. Pretty bad! I think I need to find something they can work on together, but with no one else around. Then they can battle it out without pulling the rest of us into it. I don't know!

Lori,
Or a project they can do together - or cooking together.
Come on, ladies, spill it. Everyone's kids fight! How do you deal with it?
Christine

I deal with it poorly, so I'll listen on this one!

Well, I may have stumbled upon a "project" for them to work on together without even trying. Last night Ana (13 yrs) was on the computer chatting with a friend. I'm not sure what happened, but they ended up fighting, and Ana came away in tears. This friend is actually a friend of Aly's (my 15 yr old) but has now gotten to be friends with both girls. I don't think the friend meant to hurt Ana, and may not have realized that she did. But when Aly found out what happened, she was like Mama Bear protecting her young! She told me "She's gonna hear from big sister! I don't like anyone making my sister cry!" Then she called the friend, but when she couldn't get her on the phone, she got on the computer and chatted with her. She wasn't mean, but explained the situation, and how Ana had been hurt. Basically she played the peacemaker. In the end Ana and the friend are still working things out. But I thought it was great the way Aly stood up for her little sister, and Ana seemed truly appreciative. It was almost like a "common enemy" brought them together. I'm not glad it happened, but I was glad to see that Aly sided with her sister over her friend, and that her main goal was to make peace and bring them all back together again. I'll have to see how things go today. I'm hoping this will be the beginning of an improvement in their overall relationship.
Lori

I hope your girls are still doing better. I had a sister 2 yr.s older and we fought a lot growing up. Around teenage years, my parents got divorced and our older brothers and sisters were out of the house. It brought us really close then. Problems can bring siblings closer but I am finding that my son Jacob (15yrs) and daughter Sarah (almost 13 yrs) are getting along better than ever now that they are both in the youth at church. They have a common bond and it has belped them. They may still clash sometimes but this age seems to be one where they can grow together too as they mature. I know personalities make a big difference and being home together a lot but I think even if that brings spats more often, they have the possiblity of growing closer. I know that Sarah would probably not know Jacob very well if they weren't homeschooled. He is not one to share often and does his own thing a lot. Instead they have had the opportunity sometimes bad but mostly good to get to know each other much better.

I also think that this time together and having to work out close quarters will help them later on in dealing with a roommate at college if they do that.

Jody,
I totally agree, and I've told my kids, that they are getting a lot of good practice for getting along with other people later in life. Whether it's a roommate or co-worker or whoever, I think what they are learning by working thru these sibling conflicts will help them later on. You've seen how Aly & Ana can be with each other. Sometimes it's just totally overwhelming to me! My sister (2 yrs younger) & I fought sometimes, too, but I don't think nearly as much as these two do. I think a lot of it is because Ana has a stronger personality, but since she's younger that tends to set Aly off. I don't know. The last couple of days have been better. Some days are better than others, but on bad days I'm ready to pull my hair out!
Lori