I served as a pastor for 13 years and am now doing the Pastors Today newsletter. I had a hard time making close friends because of the jealousy of other members and the high expectations people put on me as a pastor.
<p>How have you all dealt with that?

Sounds familar in many ministry areas. On reflection you may find you have experienced such feelings yourself towards others on occasion. "let the mind of Christ be in you" has been a powerful antidote when I find myself resentful or jealous of others. The Lord reminded his followers (at last supper) that He was in fact their Lord, but was among them as a servant.

I have been in ministry for 17 years and find that the friendships within the congregation you pastor truely bloom once you have moved on to another ministry or church. Acquaintances are numerous but intimate friends are few and cherished. The jealously with in the church is unfornunate but real. Being a pastor to all does affect how public perception is viewed by you as pastor. Often, personal need for friends outweighs the "hostage feeling" in the lonely confines of the pastorate. Our Lord Jesus provides all we need for life and godliness. Friends within your community of believers are there for you to enjoy. The depth of these friendships will be felt fully once you no longer are present in the offical position as there pastor.

How can you build trust relationships where you can talk about what is really going on in your life? Often, the church members "can't handle the truth" and are therefore not trustworthy or mature enough to allow you as pastor to be real. Who can you be real with? How do you best establish those relationships?
Who can your wife be real with? (besides you)

These are some of the critical questions I hear from pastors and I would tresure your input.

I have found making friends with pastors of other denominations helps. I have also kept up with my college and seminary room mates They are my closest friends. With in the church you have to be careful; it can come back and bite you.

In my first pastorate (41 yrs. old, 3 years in...) and have found it easy to speak in confidence and trust to a number of people for a couple of reasons.

First, I've always been 'just a man' that happened to be filling the call of God to serve as pastor - it breaks down barriers and keeps from being put on that 'professional Christian' level. I point out every opportunity to let members know that my life is no different than theirs.

Second, I've found two prayer partners in our church - one older, wiser, elder who has real insight into the church history and one, a little younger, who actually spends time alone with God. These two gentlemen meet with me every week at a prescribed time for discussion and prayer - they can ask any question and express any emotion, expecting me to do the same. They have heard me yell, cry, rant & rail, and praise - and never has our discussion, in nearly three years, escaped from our room. They constantly remind their young, inexperienced pastor that our battles (which are many due to transition) are not against flesh and blood - so that we cannot put a name and face on the enemy - but against the forces of evil in this world.

Finally, don't say anything about anyone else that you can't say to their face. That's transparency at work. There are those that you can be brutally honest with and those you can't - know the difference.

I've listened to people spill their guts about their deepest problems and concerns, but out of those, who's secrets I have kept and always will, there are few that I could share the same details. Your silence will give them reason to trust you if you never repeat their problems to another and if you never remind them that they came to talk to you about it. In time, that trust may be rewarded with a friendship that can be used to share your deepest regrets and greatest dreams.

Thank you eojhtims for your thoughtful words. The key seems to be "thoughtful". It would likely be wise not to assume anything - either that people are not trustworthy or that they are. It seems to be similar to walking on to a frozen pond in Minnesota in April. It looks frozen and able to support your weight but will it. Being thoughtful and careful can save your ministry life both through trusting And through recognizing that some people may not be trustworthy. We need to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

In His Love,
Barney Self