Hello all,
I am new to this forum but am in desperate need of prayer and advice from Sisters in Christ about a situation that I know we all deal with - the In Laws.
I was married almost two years ago to the most wonderful man in the world. A dear sweet man, he is the only boy and the youngest of three. I am the oldest of three and the only girl. I was so looking forward to being adopted into another family as well as my own and the addition of sisters into my life. My family lives almost 6 hours away and I was excited about having another family to bond with. Little did I know exactly how difficult that would prove to be. Immediately after our engagement, one of my sister in laws made it very clear to my husband that she didn't want us to be married. The trend in her opinions have continued and while she doesn't verbally address her disapproval to he or I, she continues to do things in passive aggressive ways that let me know I am not a part of the group.

I have been connected to this family for nearly 5 years now and feel no closer than I did after my husband and I's first date. In fact, often all I feel is great resentment on my part towards the people that make me feel like I will never fit in. There are other reasons than just my sister in law for the lack of connection with my husbands family- my dad was at one time my father in laws boss (need I say more?) and the list still goes on.

My parents in law are truly good people and I know that it is not God's desire that I have a resentful heart towards my in laws regardless of the ways I may feel they are wronging me. However, I can't seem to get over this hump I am in. It is so hard for me to reach out to them when I feel like I not wanted. Does anyone have any advice on how I can change my attitude towards my husbands family, specifically his youngest sister? I know it is my heart it is my responsibility to continue to love them and to reach out to them but it is so hard when all I want to do is let exactly how I feel spill out and overflow every time I see them - the words would definitely not be Christ-like.
Begging desperately,
Randee

Sorry this is not simple,nor is it easy.
Try not to be a wedge between your husband,and his family.then pray for them.

read:matthew-5,43-46

God is the only one Who can work this out,so give it to Him.I have been in your shoes.
I know how hard it is.love you lots,annette

I feel your pain!

First of all, I have been with DH for 17 years. Things haven't changed much, except we moved farther away (LOL).

Second, and this may sound harsh, but don't place these expectations on your in-laws. For whatever reason, they are not welcoming you into their home. It's their problem, not yours.

Also, remember your identity in Christ doesn't depend on what others think of you, but only what God says about you.

You are beloved.

You are chosen.

You are accepted.

You are adopted into the family of God.

You are a co-inheritor with Christ.

I hope that like me, you find will find that if you focus more on God and His acceptance of you, and less on how others accept you, you'll find the resentment leaving you.

FWIW, I still never get birthday cards. In the beginning of our relationship and marriage, DH would get lavished with presents at Christmas. I would get something from the drugstore perfume counter. I used to get hurt by it, but I realized that this is the way they viewed me - as the interloper. I was tolerated. And since I didn't produce any grandchildren (I was previously married with two children and "fixed") I definitely didn't have any status with them. (Imagine how my children felt, too - being too young to sort this stuff out. My kids are now in their mid-20s and really have no connections with DH's family - but it was their choosing, not ours.)

Anyway, hang in there, focus on who you are in Christ and let the family deal with the intrigues, the passive-agressive stuff, etc. Try to let it roll off your back like water rolls off the back of a duck.

(((Randee)))

Randee,

This was posted on another site I visit, and I thought it might be appropriate for this discussion:

Who I Am In Christ
I am accepted...
John 1:12 I am God's child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.
Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure...
Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant...
John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

"The more you reaffirm who you are in Christ, the more your behavior will begin to reflect your true identity!"
(From Victory Over the Darkness , by Dr. Neil Anderson)

Thanks so much for the list of affirmations of who we are in Christ. I am dealing with a book about submission, given to me by a friend who insists that if I don't follow everything in this book, my marriage problems are all my fault. It has just made me feel like dirt....I won't name any names as I don't want to get anything started about it...but just remembering that I even have an identity of my own in Christ has helped me so much.

God didn't make to to be lower that your husband
but to be a helper by his side.
My husband 's father hated me until right before he died in 2001.
when there was no one else to take care of him.
You can't always change someone elses' feelings
towards you,so just be yourself,you are a child of the King.You don't have't please everyone,just your Father,your Heavenly Father.

Marriage problems can rarely be blamed on one person, and the concept of submission has been twisted by some over time.

Several years ago, there was a long thread on this forum regarding submission. You may want to read some of the opinions on it. Here is a link to it.

My goodness...I just realized that thread is almost four years old. Hard to believe that it's really been that long.

Yeah, there's a couple of books that should have never been written - because they are totally inaccurate, twist Scripture, condemn women by placing heavy loads on them that they were never meant to carry and do nothing to assist them.

Rosebud, Thanks for the link to the previous discussion about submission...I have come to the same conclusions you stated, after doing a lot of research and study on my own. It is my sincere hope that my friend will still be my friend when I tell her what I have found....but I have my doubts. She is so adamantly supportive of the book she is pushing, that it is almost scary. Not only does the book erroneously use Scripture, it seems to be based in a very humanistic, worldly view of men and women both. What breaks my heart the most, though, is the load of guilt and shame it heaps on women and the power it ascribes to them....to the point of stating that a man's total sanctification and protection from temptation is provided through his wife!!! I have never before read such a statement in any other Christian book on marriage, and it just blew my mind. As I understand sanctification, it only happens through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what comes to mind.....Anyway, thanks again for the help and for your many hours of study and the willingness to share with all us women who have been trained to be submissive to the point of accepting abuse. Most of all my thanks to Jesus....my best Friend and the lover of my soul!!!!

Randee, just realized that I kind of took over your post....didn't mean to do that, just got sidetracked on my own little issues. Anyway, I hear you and have experienced somewhat the same situation. My husband's younger sister came right our and told me that I had ruined her plans for her brother. He was supposed to marry her best friend, even though he had absolutely no interest in this girl. She has resented me and looked down her nose at me ever since, and it has been 37 years. Also my husband's step-mother always made it rather unpleasant to visit them. She had many sneaky ways of putting me down, and making sure I knew I wasn't welcome, but she was as sweet as pie in front of her husband (my husband's father) also she never said a mean word to my husband himself. It took years before my husband really believed me that she was doing this stuff. Finally, my husband's older sister refused to stay there for overnight visits, and that is when we all found out that Step-Mom was being nasty to her, too. That's when my husband finally believed me. Anyway, (here's the good part, after the soap opera) through many hard lessons and having the Lord redirect my own attitude and thoughts, I have learned to find my wholeness and happiness in Him. I have found so much satisfaction and purpose in my life in obeying what He wants me to do, that little sister's and mother-in-laws negative attitudes really don't affect me anymore. Believe me, I tried, for many years I tried to be what they wanted, but it never worked. Only in being what Jesus wants us to be, can we find peace. Ask Him to give you His love for them and then leave it in His hands. They may never change, but it won's matter anymore. Will be praying for you dear sister...